Shame

I’ve had many ups and downs as a writer, often wrestling with my identity and feeling ashamed for not writing enough. I feel confident and capable as long as I have momentum on a project, but quite often this falls away and doubt begins to creep in.

A big problem here is when I meet new people. The inevitable question is asked, “What do you do?” I talk about my desk job, and I’m quick to explain that my true passion is writing. Usually, people are interested to know what I’ve written. The longer it’s been since I’ve actively worked on anything, the more shame I feel at this query, and the more I question myself as a writer.

This gives way to a loop where doubt stymies my attempts at writing, which feeds doubt, and so on. Presently, I’m at a point where I no longer even mention to new people that I write. I’m not writing, so how can I call myself a writer?

The thought is toxic, and incorrect. I will be a writer no matter what happens, it is something that is part of me. However, I feel happiest and most like myself when I’m actually producing writing, or refining what I’ve already written. This is my main reason for coming back to this blog: it’s a tool that helps me plan and focus and hold myself accountable.